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I once had a coworker who was germophobic.  Every spray, every soap, every wipe that used the word "antibacterial" in its marketing campaign was added to her arsenal in the Battle Against Germs.  Yet this woman was always sick.  I hadn't taken a sick day in 18 months, yet she took 2-3-4 days every month. I once mentioned that perhaps her immunity was down because she didn't let enough germs into her body to build up resistance to them.

I never worried too much about microscopic bacteria.  I grew up in a house with the "5-second rule".  If anything edible fell to the floor, it was still edible if picked up within 5 seconds.   I don't know that we really believed it took five seconds for a germ to find our food and leap upon it---I think it had more to do with the fact that in a home with five younger brothers and sisters you learned to snatch that morsel fast or watch it disappear.  At any rate, I was convinced that my robust good health was in good part due to the fact that enough germs had been ingested that I was immune.  I practically smirked in my superiority.

Today's blog is about feces.  Yes, I'm about to proselytize about poop.  I may have reached a blogging low.  (If you are faint-hearted or enjoying a meal at this time, you may be excused from further reading.)

My most constant readers may recall a previous entry about a goat with a poop problem.  In my nursing duties, I found myself more than once covered in the material.  Lately I have noticed a disturbing trend in my own bowel functions.  It's been two weeks.  I think I can safely come to the conclusion that I have ingested a goat germ.

It was bad enough explaining to the doctor how dog slobber got into a wound not caused by a dog bite.  How the heck am I gonna explain this one?  It could take some time to come up with a plausible story.  That should give me time to try some less drastic methods, beginning with a clear liquid diet.  I'm already dreaming of the cheeseburger I can't have for lunch tomorrow.  If I can restrain from eating solid food for the next 48 hours, I may be on the verge of fighting the dogs over their bowl of kibble.

Then again, maybe not.  If whatever this problem is, parasitic or bacterial, it keeps nutrients from being absorbed……EUREKA!  I can eat as much as I want and maybe even LOSE weight!  I have found the perfect diet.  Yeah….yeah…..20 pounds from now I should be ready for that doctors appointment.
Excuse me.  Gotta go.  The bathroom is calling me.

November 14, 2006


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