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You see, Goober goat has developed a bit of an irregularity problem. Goats will eat nonstop if you let them, and usually the byproducts are evacuated from the other end 24/7. Not so with Goober recently, and I noticed a disturbing baseball sized bulge forming next to the exit aperture. What to do? What to do? My internet was down again so I couldn't look for the answer online. I sent a text message to my goat expert friend, asking for advice.

Me: I have a goat poop question. Fecal impaction? What should I do?

Friend: Get some rubber gloves and lube. Take a finger and well…you probably know where this is going and you would be right.

Me: Damn. I KNEW you were going to say that.

Friend: Get to digging.

All righty then. Rubber gloves - check. Lubricant - check. Clothes suitable for crawling through soiled straw - check. I needed to get psyched up and my Internet wasn't working so I couldn't even IM my friends. I called JLynne.

She seemed to find my situation amusing. I do believe she even guffawed. But the ten minute conversation was enough to get my mind working on alternative therapies, and I wondered if an enema would work. Now, I have no experience with giving a goat enema, but it sounded better than Plan A. Hmmm…..exactly how do you insert warm soapy water into the back end of a goat? I do not keep enema equipment in my household. I could find nothing suitable, so I went to the store and bought a disposable douche.

Luckily, Goober is not a large goat so I was confident I could pin him for a ten-count if necessary. I started by trying to distract him with a bowl of grain. At first Goober was blissfully unaware of my intent as he chowed down on his unexpected snack. I lubed the applicator and took a firm grip on his tail. I took careful aim and applied a little pressure. Goober jumped and indignantly walked away. I crawled after him and grabbed his tail again. He moved around the pen as fast as his three little legs would carry him, me hanging on for dear life to his tail while trying to home in on the moving bullseye. Finally I managed to introduce a half cup of soapy water which resulted in the evacuation of only a dozen pellets. Damn, Plan B didn't work. Back to the dreaded Plan A.

Rubber gloves - check. Lube - check. Pin goat firmly to the floor - check. Insert finger while making goofy faces of distaste - check. Feel around in there - check. Remove blockage - uncheck. It was beyond my reach. I went back in the house to regroup.

How much liquid does a goat colon hold, anyway? Perhaps a large pan of soapy water to provide repeated refills? Back to the fray. You think it was difficult applying a one-stage enema? Try inserting the applicator six times in succession, on a goat who now knows exactly what's in store for him. The treatment worked. Score one for Loretta the Invincible Goat Doctor.

This morning I checked my e-mail and was touched to see that JLynne had sent a message to my other friends, titled Special Prayers for Loretta. They all replied. I've included their correspondence to show you how concerned my friends are about the tribulations in my life.

JLynne: Our dear sister Loretta needs our immediate prayers. As I type this she is donning the rubber gloves and lubing up. Why the gloves and quick lube you may ask? Well, it seems that our dearly beloved Goober Goat has a fecal impaction which must be removed. Since it won't come out on it's own SHE'S GOING IN AFTER IT! She said she is going to feel really badly sitting on top of a convalescing 3 legged goat in order to do this. I told her to look at the bright side as this gave her a leg up on the situation!

Joanna: At least she should be able to outrun Goober if he doesn't like this idea.

Narice: Prayers for Loretta and the goat.

Juls: You will know success when all comes out at once! May Goober feel instant relief!

Kath: Loretta, I do hope and pray that you have recovered from what you have had to do. And that poor Goober has also.

Yes, I was almost moved to tears this morning at the evidence of their compassion and support. Then it dawned on me -- do you think they could be laughing at me?

October 2006


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